Funny jokes about Russia, russians and the 2014 winter olympics in Sochi
A note on the package of Russian cigarettes: If your father sees it, he’ll kill you.
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Where asphalt ends, Russia begins.
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"Today, the Olympic torch arrived in Sochi. But Vladimir Putin immediately put it out because he thought it was too flaming." –Conan O'Brien
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"In their hotel at the Sochi Olympics, the Canadian hockey team has to squeeze three players to a room. Even the bobsledders are like, 'Isn't it a little cramped?' When you scare off all the gay people, interior design goes to hell." –Jimmy Kimmel
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"In advance of the Winter Olympics in Sochi, the Russian government announced that, contrary to popular belief, people in Russia will be allowed to protest. But only in a special protest zone – known as 'Siberia.'" –Jay Leno
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"On Friday, Russian President Vladimir Putin said gay people at the Olympics should not fear for their safety despite the country's anti-gay laws. He said they should fear for their safety because they're in Russia." –Jimmy Fallon
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"The mayor of Sochi in Russia where they're having the Olympics says there are no gay people in Sochi. Well, we can't expect too much from the opening ceremonies then. Who will be working on the choreography?" –Jay Leno
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"The mayor of Sochi is now saying that there are no gay people in Sochi. So the only thing that is flaming over there now is the Olympic torch." –David Letterman
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"Tomorrow marks the one-month countdown to the Winter Olympics in Russia. Vladimir Putin said, 'Athletes, you got one month left to train –— and gay athletes, one month left to stop being gay.'" –Conan O'Brien
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"The Winter Olympics are around the corner. President Vladimir Putin says people will be allowed to protest the Winter Olympics as long as they stay in a designated protesting zone. When they asked where the zone is located Putin said, 'Poland.'" –Jimmy Fallon
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"So the winter Olympics are right around the corner, and this is cool - the U.S. Olympic team just announced that its new uniforms are all made in America, after last year's uniforms were criticized for being made in China. Which got awkward when they realized the "Made in America" tags were actually made in China." –Jimmy Fallon
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"In anticipation of the Winter Olympics, a female curling champion released some sexy photos of herself curling in lingerie. When asked for comment, Americans said they're still not going to watch curling." –Conan O'Brien
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"Germany just unveiled its rainbow-colored Olympic uniforms, which seem to be a subtle protest against Russia's anti-gay laws. You can tell how much the world has changed when Germans are the ones who are saying, 'Discrimination is just wrong.'" –Jimmy Fallon
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"Cher has turned down an invitation to sing at the 2014 Olympics in Russia because of Russia's anti-gay laws. Their anti-gay laws are so strict, men can be arrested just for showing up at a Cher concert." –Jay Leno
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"Russia also has the Winter Olympics, and that’s a big mess too because, you know, Russia is really, really anti-gay. You know this? Seriously, they said they would arrest any Olympic athletes for “promoting” homosexuality. In a related story, figure skating has been canceled." –Bill Maher
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"A Russian official announced that gay athletes attending the 2014 Olympics there will be arrested. This is good news for the world's three straight male figure skaters. Just show up, get a medal, you're done. No competition. " –Conan O'Brien
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"Russia has announced that, for the 2014 Olympics, it will send the Olympic torch up to the International Space Station. They’ve also announced a new Olympic Event – 'Watching Six Astronauts Have All Their Oxygen Used Up By a Burning Torch.'" Conan O'Brien
--------------------Q: How does every Russian joke start? A: By looking over your shoulder.
--------------------
Q: Whats the difference between a smart Russian and a unicorn?
A: Nothing, they're both fictional characters
--------------------
Q: What's meant by an exchange opinions in the Communist party of the Soviet Union?
A: It's when I come to a party meeting with my own opinion, and I leave with the party's.
--------------------
Q: What is 150 yards long and eats potatoes?
A: A Moscow queue waiting to buy meat.
--------------------
Q: What occupies the last 6 pages of the Lada User's Manual?
A: The bus and train timetables.
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Q: What is Communism?
A: The Poles say it's the longest and most painful of the roads to capitalism.
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Q: What do you call a gassy russian?
A: Vladimir Tootin
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Q: What do you call a Lada on a hill?
A: A bloody miracle.
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Q: What did the Russian people light their houses with before they started using candles?
A: Electricity.
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Q: Did you hear about the winner of the Russian beauty contest?
A: Me neither.
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Q: When was the first Russian election held?
A: The time that God set Eve in front of Adam and said, "Go ahead, choose your wife."
--------------------
Q: Why did Stalin wear knee boots while Lenin's were much shorter?
A: Because during Lenin's time, Russia was polluted only up to ankle.
--------------------
Q: How do you relate to the Soviet government?
A: Like a wife: part habit, part fear and wish to God I had a different one.
--------------------
Q: What sort of a job should you take, so as never to be unemployed?
A: Climb up on the Kremlin wall and watch for the approach of Communism.
--------------------
Q: How can you ensure that your refrigerator is always full of food?
A: Plug it into Radio Moscow.
--------------------
Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Russia?
A: He couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
--------------------
Q: What do you call an Russian in the knockout stages of the World Cup?
A: A Referee.
--------------------
A note on the package of Russian cigarettes: If your father sees it, he’ll kill you.
--------------------
Where asphalt ends, Russia begins.
--------------------
"Today, the Olympic torch arrived in Sochi. But Vladimir Putin immediately put it out because he thought it was too flaming." –Conan O'Brien
--------------------
"In their hotel at the Sochi Olympics, the Canadian hockey team has to squeeze three players to a room. Even the bobsledders are like, 'Isn't it a little cramped?' When you scare off all the gay people, interior design goes to hell." –Jimmy Kimmel
--------------------
"In advance of the Winter Olympics in Sochi, the Russian government announced that, contrary to popular belief, people in Russia will be allowed to protest. But only in a special protest zone – known as 'Siberia.'" –Jay Leno
--------------------
"On Friday, Russian President Vladimir Putin said gay people at the Olympics should not fear for their safety despite the country's anti-gay laws. He said they should fear for their safety because they're in Russia." –Jimmy Fallon
--------------------
"The mayor of Sochi in Russia where they're having the Olympics says there are no gay people in Sochi. Well, we can't expect too much from the opening ceremonies then. Who will be working on the choreography?" –Jay Leno
--------------------
"The mayor of Sochi is now saying that there are no gay people in Sochi. So the only thing that is flaming over there now is the Olympic torch." –David Letterman
--------------------
"Tomorrow marks the one-month countdown to the Winter Olympics in Russia. Vladimir Putin said, 'Athletes, you got one month left to train –— and gay athletes, one month left to stop being gay.'" –Conan O'Brien
--------------------
"The Winter Olympics are around the corner. President Vladimir Putin says people will be allowed to protest the Winter Olympics as long as they stay in a designated protesting zone. When they asked where the zone is located Putin said, 'Poland.'" –Jimmy Fallon
--------------------
"So the winter Olympics are right around the corner, and this is cool - the U.S. Olympic team just announced that its new uniforms are all made in America, after last year's uniforms were criticized for being made in China. Which got awkward when they realized the "Made in America" tags were actually made in China." –Jimmy Fallon
--------------------
"In anticipation of the Winter Olympics, a female curling champion released some sexy photos of herself curling in lingerie. When asked for comment, Americans said they're still not going to watch curling." –Conan O'Brien
--------------------
"Germany just unveiled its rainbow-colored Olympic uniforms, which seem to be a subtle protest against Russia's anti-gay laws. You can tell how much the world has changed when Germans are the ones who are saying, 'Discrimination is just wrong.'" –Jimmy Fallon
--------------------
"Cher has turned down an invitation to sing at the 2014 Olympics in Russia because of Russia's anti-gay laws. Their anti-gay laws are so strict, men can be arrested just for showing up at a Cher concert." –Jay Leno
--------------------
"Russia also has the Winter Olympics, and that’s a big mess too because, you know, Russia is really, really anti-gay. You know this? Seriously, they said they would arrest any Olympic athletes for “promoting” homosexuality. In a related story, figure skating has been canceled." –Bill Maher
--------------------
"A Russian official announced that gay athletes attending the 2014 Olympics there will be arrested. This is good news for the world's three straight male figure skaters. Just show up, get a medal, you're done. No competition. " –Conan O'Brien
--------------------
"Russia has announced that, for the 2014 Olympics, it will send the Olympic torch up to the International Space Station. They’ve also announced a new Olympic Event – 'Watching Six Astronauts Have All Their Oxygen Used Up By a Burning Torch.'" Conan O'Brien
--------------------Q: How does every Russian joke start? A: By looking over your shoulder.
--------------------
Q: Whats the difference between a smart Russian and a unicorn?
A: Nothing, they're both fictional characters
--------------------
Q: What's meant by an exchange opinions in the Communist party of the Soviet Union?
A: It's when I come to a party meeting with my own opinion, and I leave with the party's.
--------------------
Q: What is 150 yards long and eats potatoes?
A: A Moscow queue waiting to buy meat.
--------------------
Q: What occupies the last 6 pages of the Lada User's Manual?
A: The bus and train timetables.
--------------------
Q: What is Communism?
A: The Poles say it's the longest and most painful of the roads to capitalism.
--------------------
Q: What do you call a gassy russian?
A: Vladimir Tootin
--------------------
Q: What do you call a Lada on a hill?
A: A bloody miracle.
--------------------
Q: What did the Russian people light their houses with before they started using candles?
A: Electricity.
--------------------
Q: Did you hear about the winner of the Russian beauty contest?
A: Me neither.
--------------------
Q: When was the first Russian election held?
A: The time that God set Eve in front of Adam and said, "Go ahead, choose your wife."
--------------------
Q: Why did Stalin wear knee boots while Lenin's were much shorter?
A: Because during Lenin's time, Russia was polluted only up to ankle.
--------------------
Q: How do you relate to the Soviet government?
A: Like a wife: part habit, part fear and wish to God I had a different one.
--------------------
Q: What sort of a job should you take, so as never to be unemployed?
A: Climb up on the Kremlin wall and watch for the approach of Communism.
--------------------
Q: How can you ensure that your refrigerator is always full of food?
A: Plug it into Radio Moscow.
--------------------
Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Russia?
A: He couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
--------------------
Q: What do you call an Russian in the knockout stages of the World Cup?
A: A Referee.
--------------------