Funny jokes about lawyers
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the sea?
A: A good start!
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Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
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Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
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Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
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Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.
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Q: Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?
A: Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers
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Q: Why are there so many lawyers in the U.S.?
A: Because St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland.
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Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.
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Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
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Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A: A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.
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Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
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Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A: Take your foot off his head.
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Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A: No? Good!
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Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of pond scum?
A: The bucket.
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Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
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Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.
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Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.
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Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
A: One is a slimy, bottom dwelling, scum sucker. The other is a fish.
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Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. You need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
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Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
A: The caterer.
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Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one.
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Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: Once launched, they can't be recalled.
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Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: When they land, they prevent anything from functioning for the next hundred years.
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Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Just two, all the rest are true.
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Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.
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Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand.
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A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was standing. St. Peter greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
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A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.
"How much does it cost for engineer brain?"
"Three dollars an ounce."
"How much does it cost for programmer brain?"
"Four dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"$1,000 an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
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A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."
The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine."
Then, the lawyer spoke up. "Yes," he said, "But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"
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A university committee was selecting a new dean. They had narrowed the candidates down to a mathematician, an economist and a lawyer.
Each was asked this question during their interview: "How much is two plus two?"
The mathematician answered immediately, "Four."
The economist thought for several minutes and finally answered, "Four, plus or minus one."
Finally the lawyer stood up, peered around the room and motioned silently for the committee members to gather close to him. In a hushed, conspiratorial tone, he replied, "How much do you want it to be?"
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