Funny jokes about doctors
He is not dead, he is electroencephalographically challenged.
--------------------
A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."
--------------------"The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks."
"And did he?"
"Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill."
--------------------Doctor: “I am not exactly sure of the cause. I think it could be due to alcohol.”
Patient: “That’s OK. I will come back when you are sober.”
--------------------
"Are you an organ donor?"
"No, but I once gave an old piano to the Salvation Army."
--------------------Q: How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They would wait for a suitable donor and do a filament transplant.
--------------------
Q: How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. They'd also like to remove the socket as you aren't using it now.
--------------------
Q: How many veterinarians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change the bulb and two more to complain that an MD makes ten times as much for the same procedure!!
--------------------
Q: How many physiotherapists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They just give the dead bulb some exercises to do and hope it will be working a bit better the next time they see it.
--------------------
Q: How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That depends on whether it has health insurance.
--------------------
Q: How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They just tell it to take two asprin and come round to the surgery later.
--------------------
Q: How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They only sign the death certificate and phone the mortuary.
--------------------
Q: How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They would diagnose depression and prescribe benzo diazapines.
--------------------
Q: How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end to screw in.
--------------------
Q: How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
--------------------
HISTORY OF MEDICINE: "Doctor, I have an ear ache."
2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"
--------------------Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! Thats terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
--------------------
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.
"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."
--------------------
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
--------------------
"Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?"
"Yes, of course..."
"Great! I never could before!"
--------------------
"Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor-blade."
"Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have you done anything yet?"
"Yea, I shaved with the electric razor."
--------------------
A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."
The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine."
Then, the lawyer spoke up. "Yes," he said, "But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"
--------------------
Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery:
He is not dead, he is electroencephalographically challenged.
--------------------
A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."
--------------------"The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks."
"And did he?"
"Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill."
--------------------Doctor: “I am not exactly sure of the cause. I think it could be due to alcohol.”
Patient: “That’s OK. I will come back when you are sober.”
--------------------
"Are you an organ donor?"
"No, but I once gave an old piano to the Salvation Army."
--------------------Q: How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They would wait for a suitable donor and do a filament transplant.
--------------------
Q: How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. They'd also like to remove the socket as you aren't using it now.
--------------------
Q: How many veterinarians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change the bulb and two more to complain that an MD makes ten times as much for the same procedure!!
--------------------
Q: How many physiotherapists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They just give the dead bulb some exercises to do and hope it will be working a bit better the next time they see it.
--------------------
Q: How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That depends on whether it has health insurance.
--------------------
Q: How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They just tell it to take two asprin and come round to the surgery later.
--------------------
Q: How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They only sign the death certificate and phone the mortuary.
--------------------
Q: How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They would diagnose depression and prescribe benzo diazapines.
--------------------
Q: How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end to screw in.
--------------------
Q: How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
--------------------
HISTORY OF MEDICINE: "Doctor, I have an ear ache."
2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"
--------------------Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! Thats terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
--------------------
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.
"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."
--------------------
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
--------------------
"Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?"
"Yes, of course..."
"Great! I never could before!"
--------------------
"Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor-blade."
"Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have you done anything yet?"
"Yea, I shaved with the electric razor."
--------------------
A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."
The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine."
Then, the lawyer spoke up. "Yes," he said, "But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"
--------------------
Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery:
- Oops!
- Has anyone seen my watch?
- That was some party last night. I can't remember when I've been that drunk.
- Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
- Well this book doesn't say that... What edition is your manual?
- OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
- Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
- Come back with that! Bad Dog!
- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
- Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie
- If I can just remember how they did this on ER last week.
- Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
- Damn, there go the lights again...
- Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em.
- Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
- Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
- I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
- Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
- Steril, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?
- What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change!
- What do you mean, he's not insured?
- This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
- Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
- Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
- What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
- I don't know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice.
- Let's hurry, I don't want to miss "Bay Watch"
- That laughing gas stuff is pretty cool. Can I have some more of that?
- Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he's still moving.
- Did the doctor know he would look like that afterwards?
- Of course I've performed this operation before, Nurse!
- FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!